Everywhere, Nowhere, Somewhere, the Usual
I was part of a writing club, once upon a time. It was really fun; we met up every Tuesday and used writing prompts, goofed off, made jokes… it was cool.
It was very cool.
We called ourselves The Inkpot Club. Sound familiar, by any chance?
I wrote the following story for one of the members during December for a Secret Santa, Short Story Edition! It’s very fun, I completely recommend it.
I’ve modified the story a bit (removed names, spell check, etc.) and now here it is! Enjoy!
Warning: There may or may not be a brief bathroom joke in the narrative below. No foul language is used. Safe for ages 3+
Zara
Zara was stuffing an entire slice of pizza into her mouth just to prove to her friends that she could when something smooth and boney brushed her leg. She bent her head to look underneath the table and nearly choked on her pizza when she saw the small, antlered reindeer gazing up at her.
Zara began to choke on her pizza as her eyes watered and her mouth opened, which probably wasn’t a very pretty sight, but there was a freaking reindeer under the table at The Big Cheese, so who cares if pizza fell into her lap and stained her white pants?
“Gross, Zara,” Ava covered her line of eyesight with her hand and made a face as though she’d just sniffed a used, un-cleaned litter box.
Aurora closed her eyes and took a deep breath, as if to say, “Yep, that’s what I have to deal with every week.”
Nathalia, Zara’s younger sister, laughed that hysterical laugh of hers, and when she finally regained some control, she said, “Zara, those pants are so ugly, I don’t think it even matters anymore,” and then she continued laughing.
Lulee, however, was too busy choking on the pizza slice she’d stuffed into her mouth, which was significantly larger than the one Zara had tasted… twice… (in other words, thrown up) because Lulee was trying to best Zara, which totally seemed like something she would do.
Everyone was just looking at Lulee with confusion, because, why? Just, why?
Still choking, Lulee rose from her seat and ran to the bathroom, covering her mouth with one hand as waiters and diners turned to stare at the hack-suppressing girl running in the restaurant.
“Can you pass me a napkin, Ava?” Zara put the half chewed pizza back on her plate, took the napkin from her friend, and wiped as much sauce as she could from her pants.
“Is everything going—all… right…” The waiter that was coming to check up on their table took one look at the chewed up, saliva coated pizza slice and grimaced. “I’ll be right back.”
Just as he left, the tablecloth began to glow, and Zara thought back to the reindeer under the table. “Guys, there’s a reindeer under the—” but no sooner had she started speaking when the chairs beneath everyone disappeared, and the floor swallowed them up.
~
“Alright, guys, I’m… back.” Lulee returned to the table and stood there, dumbfounded. “Um, guys?” She sat down on the chair closest to her. (They had all re-appeared by now.) “Okay…” she dragged out the word and drummed her fingers on her knees while she waited for her friends to return. A light began to glow from beneath the table. Lulee looked around before crouching down and lifting the tablecloth….
~
Zara landed on warm sand, which wouldn’t have been that bad if her friends hadn’t crash landed on top of her. “Ow, ow, ow,” she pushed them off of her and stood up, stretching her back.
“Where the heck are we?” Ava shoved Aurora off of her and looked around.
“Ava, we’re at the beach,” Nathalia hopped to her feet. “And we got here by a magic portal underneath a table.”
“Okay, yeah, that much is obvious,” Ava retorted, “well, except for maybe that last part, but where are we?”
“I think better question is, where aren’t you?” The reindeer that had been under the table said in a thick Russian accent. “You’re in the Magical Creature Society headquarters, so everywhere at the once. Right now, in beaches of Hawaii. Over there,” she cocked her head to the right, “tundras of Russia, my home country. And then we have desert of Egypt. So many places at the once.” She held her head high. “Kind of confusing, no?”
“No,” Nathalia shook her head. “Not really.”
“Good,” the reindeer nodded, “And I’m glad that rest of you don’t need the explaining, because North and South need your help to battle horrible villain. You see—” she was cut off by Lulee crash landing on her.
“Oh, jeez,” Lulee rolled off of her, clutching her side. “Stupid, stupid light,” she moaned.
Zara grimaced.
The reindeer kicked Lulee in the side. “How dare you speak ill of my travel magic! You just pop out of sky, late to party, and first thing you do is insult my culture?!”
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you,” Lulee mumbled. “I just honestly thought that you already knew.” She dodged the second kick this time.
Zara tried to get the reindeer’s attention back. “Hi, um, you were talking about a ‘horrible villain’?”
“A villain?” Lulee rolled onto her feet. “So I really am ‘late to party’,” she said, mimicking the reindeer’s accent. “Huh.”
“Yes, you see, villain is not like any you’ve ever fought—” she started.
“We’ve never fought any villains.” Zara offered.
She tossed her head and ignored her. “My name is Nadia, and I need your help to fight Mr. Watermelon.”
~
“Why us?” Zara had to know. She was all for it, of course, whatever it was, but she was still curious.
They were walking along the shores of the beach, the teal water lapping quietly at the white sand.
“I do want to help, and when I think of fighting a bad guy I get really excited, but I don’t know why you chose us when you guys have yetis, dragons, and a freaking kraken.”
Lulee giggled and whispered into Ava’s ear. “Wow,” she rolled her eyes.
“What?” Aurora and Nathalia had to know.
“Lulee said, ‘Maybe they have a buttcracken’, “ Ava couldn’t help but—butt, ha!— laugh at the word herself.
“Wow,” Aurora shook her head. “Wow, wow, wow. Zero maturity, Lulee.”
“Are you kidding? Nathalia snorted. “I love it, Lulee. Remember when I drew one of those?”
“Yes!” She chuckled. Wait, no. Lulee doesn’t chuckle, she does hysterical laughter, and that’s what she did.
Zara looked at Lulee. “I actually love your sense of humor,” she told her. “It’s so—”
“Oh my North Pole!!” Nadia exclaimed. “Can none of you focus on task at the hand?”
“Technically, you’re the one that signed us up for this, so…” Lulee trailed off, raising her eyebrows at the exasperated reindeer.
“I didn’t sign you up for anything,” Nadia countered. “That’s why portal came when you were in the restroom. I don’t know how you ended up here.”
“That’s fair.”
A malicious chuckle echoed in her mind, and Nadia gasped. “Oh, no! We are too late. Run for your life!!!!!”
And then the reindeer disappeared into a portal, a blinding light flashing behind her white tipped tail.
“What? How are we too late? We just got here!” Nathalia shouted after her.
“Nadia!!!” Zara yelled. “Come back!”
“Ha, hahahaha,” an evil voice laughed. “It doesn’t matter if you were early, because I am… The Watermelon.”
…
“Really?” Nathalia scoffed. “That’s the best you could do? Who wrote this?” She yelled into the sky.
“I did,” a ball of light that lowered from the sky said peacefully.
“That’s the worst ending ever!” Zara’s sister complained.
“I thought it was pretty good,” Zara shrugged.
“Yeah, because you’re way too easily pleased,” she remarked. “I have a more mature taste, Zara. I thought there was going to be a battle scene.”
“So, can I get out of costume now?” A big, fat, green watermelon waddled out of the water.
“Ugh, for the last time, it isn’t a costume!” The ball of light snapped. “I turned you into a watermelon! Permanently! Now can we PLEASE move—”
“Wait, you wrote this?” Lulee caught up to speed with the conversation. “Did you tell Nadia to kick me?”
“No, but if she did then you obviously deserved it,” Light observed.
“Why didn’t you just ask us if you wanted our help with, whatever this is,” Zara gestured to the landscape around her.
“This,” the Light was defensive, “is my personal entertainment studio. And you have been chosen, whether you like it or not. Can you all start agai—”
“Why us though?” Ava pressed.
“Because,” the Light sounded as though she was rolling her eyes, “you are so serious and morbid, she’s a firecracker,” she morphed into a glowing human and gestured to Nathalia, “she has such a maturely funny personality,” she waved a hand at Aurora, “that one is just plain weird, and I was thinking that she could be my clown,” she pointed to Lulee, “and you,” she floated over to Zara and sighed. “You are so YOU. I’ve never had a human quite like you, and I’m always looking for new opportunities, so… welcome to the team!”
Nathalia’s entire face twitched. “You’re a spoiled brat,” she remarked. “You can’t just ‘have a human’,” she told her. “Go make some friends! If that’s even possible,” she added under her breath.
“Yeah,” Zara agreed.
“I second—er, third that,” Lulee added. “Especially that last part.”
“I don’t care if you make friends or not, I just want to leave,” Ava shrugged.
“What are you, anyway?” Aurora wondered. “Some angel with no wings, or…?”
“Who cares what she is?” Nathalia threw her arms up in the air.
“I think that the priority is LEAVING. Bye!” Zara snapped and opened up a portal. “Come on, girls!” And the five of them jumped through the swirling portal of light and leaped away.
~
They all stumbled out into The Big Cheese and Zara nearly crashed into a waiter.
“What? Where did you—how did you, where did you come from?” He stuttered, looking between the five of them.
“Everywhere, nowhere, somewhere, you know,” Zara shrugged, “the usual. Can we get another pepperoni pizza, please?”
